How my HIV Diagnosis Brought me Closer to God
How my HIV Diagnosis Brought me Closer to God
My name is Tanya and I would like to share my journey of living with HIV and how the strength of my faith and support from the Positive Faith Ministry has largely contributed to the person I am.
During 2004, I remember being unwell for a long time. Various tests were undertaken. I recall doctors thinking I may be asthmatic because I was coughing continually and feeling congested all the time. The doctor prescribed steroids, the side effects of which wrecked my sleeping patterns. The coughing continued for months and things got worse. One evening I felt like I was going to pass out. My pulse rate was high and I was struggling to breathe. Thank God my niece was visiting. Concerned, she drove me many miles to her home, to look after me. But my temperature rose to over 39 degrees centigrade. That same evening – I remember the date exactly - Nov 4 2004, I recall being taken into an ambulance. I had a fever. Very weak and confused, I thought I was going to die!
That day family and friends came quickly to visit me in hospital. They had been told I was critically ill. In the midst of my fear and helplessness this gave me a sense of strength and hope! I remained in the acute ward for days. After several more tests one of the doctors asked whether I was okay to have an HIV test as all other tests showed nothing worrying. I didn’t need to think about it. Let them run any tests they wanted to. I was very confident that this test would not reveal anything to worry about either.
A day or two later, while my sister was visiting, a doctor came to give me the results. The tests came back ‘positive’! He asked me if it was okay if my sister joined us while we discussed the results but I told him that I preferred being by myself. He confirmed the results again: ‘HIV positive’. I was in a state of shock. Totally dismayed an overwhelming grief rose within me. It took me a while to process the news. A torrent of questions assailed me. I internalized the grief and searched for explanations. How did I get infected? When did I get it? I thought, this is a punishment from God for my sins!
My husband had died 2 years previously. At the time I remember asking him questions like ‘have you been cheating on me!’ Since then, I had also suffered from recurring abscesses and skin problems. Things began to make sense. Most likely, these symptoms were related to my HIV infection, but then, prior to my diagnosis, I did not make this connection. When I reflect about it, I think I was in denial, about everything.
My doctor told me that my CD4 count was 8! Basically, that’s a measure of the strength of the immune system. In a healthy woman of my age, it would be in the several-hundreds. He told me that I was in a critical stage. Thank God further tests for TB etc. came back clear. The big issue was my continuing high fever.
In the midst of all this, still in hospital, I remember having so much joy in reading the Bible. I started having many questions about my life and faith. I remember having a vision in which I believe God was telling me I will be okay. There was a bible next to my bed. I asked my sister to bring my personal copy from home, which I read every day.
After three weeks I was discharged with a whole new regimen of pills to take. That’s when it reality hit me, when I was back at home. Everyone was preparing for the joyful celebration of Christmas but I was afraid to face the world. I felt emotionally isolated as I did not know how to tell my family and my children about my HIV. I was tired and physically drained. My sister stayed around and continued to support me and I thank God for that, but I couldn’t even tell her about the diagnosis as I felt such shame. Taking my medication was a challenge. I remember hiding the tablets from everyone. I was off work sick for 3 months. Thankfully I was on sick pay so this was a blessing for me.
I remember confusing my medication and forgetting follow up appointments until my GP came to see me at home to check if I was okay. I still believe she was God Sent. The following day I attended her surgery for more blood tests. In the treatment room, the GP asked if she could pray over me. I felt God’s mercy upon me as she did so. I will never forget this day!! Over the coming months, rather than creating distance my diagnosis brought me closer to God.
Telling others about my HIV diagnosis was the biggest challenge. I had no clue how to deal with it and therefore, I lived a whole year without telling anyone. I was confused about the medication and worried about side-effects like fat loss and body image. Every visit to the HIV clinic created anxiety. I worried about meeting anyone from my ethnic community. Surely, they would know why I was there and might tell others. Any possibility of a romantic relationship was completely unthinkable!
I began searching for connections with other PLWH who might understand and help me to deal with all these issues. A breakthrough came when I was introduced to an organization called Summit who provided support for families affected by HIV. There, I met people from various backgrounds. Listening to the experience of others gave me hope. Without their support I might never have had the courage to address the challenges of ‘disclosure’. I learned about how valuable peer support groups can be.
My Thirst for God was strong and I wondered if I might find people living with HIV who also shared my Christian faith. One day, I read about CAPS in a Catholic magazine. I quickly contacted Vincent at CAPS. This was the beginning of my new journey with the Positive Faith ministry. I have met so many people in similar situations who share my faith. In this community we could share our story. I was inspired. I met members, diagnosed over 20 years ago, living with such Joy! My God, this gave me strength! I began to believe that I will live as long as God lives in me!
I have attended the Positive Faith retreat weekends year after year. As I have grown in confidence, in turn, I trust that I have become an example of faith and hope for those coming to the community for the first time. I have been part of Positive Faith Ministry for 15 years now, and without this ministry I do not think I would have become the person I am right now! As a member, a deep hope is nourished in me. The Word of God which we share has been my source of fortitude and great joy. My love of God and my understanding of God’s love for me has grown. I continue to experience the inner healing, which all of us need and for which I have prayed.
I have had courage to tell my family and some friends about my HIV. I’ve even shared my story publicly without shame. I remember being at a Catholic convention. In front of three thousand people, I went up to the podium, and testified how I had been healed by God from the wounds of HIV. Each day I am filled with Joy and Love of God. Through Positive Faith I have overcome fear even to tell this story now!
The Positive Faith Ministry is full of loving and caring people. Through this fellowship I have received peace and a freedom from anxiety. Struggles continue of course but a spirit of humility helps us to surrender all our pains and suffering, past and present, at the foot of Calvary. The joy is the resurrected ME through Jesus.
I have more wisdom and no fear about living with HIV. I am so grateful for my journey in faith as part of this community and our shared ministry. Within a short time, my viral load became undetectable. Today my health is superb. I am active and athletic and do lots of fast walking and swimming. I have no shame. I am happy when I look at myself, content with the image of my body. I still work full time and find that I have become more empathetic with other people’s experience. I understand that God brings each one of us into this world for a purpose.
The Word of God continues to transform me. I want to end with Psalm 103 “Bless the Lord Oh MY Soul and all that is within me, bless His Holy Name, Bless the Lord all my Soul and do not forget his all his benefits who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy” .